So I recently had surgery. I really didn’t think it was a huge deal until my parents drove down to be with me and vases of get-well flowers appeared on my doorstep. Here is how it went down: (it’s a lengthy story so I broke it up into paragraphs. You’re welcome.)
Wednesday night: We had grilled chicken and broccoli for dinner, then we watched Gothika (Halle Berry works in a hospital were a ghost possesses her to kill her rapist husband).
Thursday 6:40AM: I woke up with the worst pelvic pain I have ever had in my entire life. I have been having random bouts of lower abdominal pain for about a year and a half now and they would last for about 30 mins and would usually go away. I went to several doctors to get it figured out and they thought I was constipated, lactose intolerant, one doctor even said that lettuce was hard to digest and that I should lay off the salad…idiot. Anyways! I was sobbing in the bathroom and started thinking of all of the horrible things that could be wrong with me which brought on the anxiety and I told Chad that we should go to to hospital. So twenty minutes later, we were at the ER getting my vitals checked and I’m still in ridiculous pain and now in a rediculous hospital gown (ew). While we were sitting in the ER room waiting for the doctor to see me, the person in the next room was freaking out and screaming / moaning. All we could think about was Gothika so that’s what we started calling the poor person in the room next to us. Chad would say “shhhh Gothika!” and made me laugh which was nice. FINALLY the ER doctor came in and FINALLY hooked me up with an IV and narcotics… then HE (it was a man doctor but he kept hitting on Chad so I think he was gay) he did a pelvic exam which was uncomfortable and sad. It was really painful and so he ordered an ultrasound and contacted my OBGYN whose office is in the building next door so that was convenient. So I’m transported via hospital bed to the ultrasound lady who did an ultrasound like you would have if you were pregnant except she didnt see anything so she had to do a pelvic ultra sound. Now friends. I pray that none of you have ever had to endure one of these and I hope that you never will. It was horrible and rediculously invasive. At least she was nice and I think she felt bad because she couldn’t find my left ovary and she looked around for it for like 20 mins. So I’m sad about my ovary and a little nervous when I was sent back to the ER room next to Gothika and at this point, it’s 2pm and poor Chad is half asleep, starving and playing angry birds on the ipad. The Dr. came back and said I needed a cat scan so I had to chug a gallon of nuclear-yellow drink so they will be able to see my goods and here I go back on the travelling hospital bed to the cat scan room.
2:30PM: The cat scan was horrifying. The nurse told me that I had to have an IV of cat scan liquid which would make me feel warm and like I was peeing my pants but she assured me that I wouldn’t actually pee my pants. So they hooked me up to the IV and I immediately feel this crazy warm feeling all over my body and I was convinced that I peed all over the hospital bed. Then I realized that everyone had left the room and it was just me and the cat scan. So I’m just laying there in my imaginary pee and all of a sudden, I started moving through the cat scan which reminded me of a smaller version of The Machine from Contact. It suddenly stopped and a loud man’s voice (possibly God at that point) says “STOP BREATHING” It scared me so much that I jumped and stopped breathing. After a few seconds it told me to “BREATH” again so while I was sufficiently freaked out, I obeyed the commands and after a couple rounds of not breathing, I was brought back to my ER room. It was a while before the Dr. came back and we started watching Cash Cab on the TV. Chad was convinced that we were on an episode of House and they were all in a room with a white board trying to figure out where my ovary was. For some reason, thinking I was on House made me feel a lot better.
4:00PM: The Doc came back and said he had ordered another ultrasound because they found a mass and needed to see if they could get a better picture of it. Horrified of the word “mass” and the invasive-ultrasound lady, I got a little freaked and the doctor said my OBGYN was on her way to see me after the exam. So needless to say, I endured another experience with the ultrasound lady except this time, there was an intern and a second ultrasound tech in the room. They all looked confused and I flat out asked, “have you found my ovary?” and then each of them looked at me with a sad face and one of them said, it’s in there somewhere! Not funny.
5:00PM: Back in the ER room, my OBGYN had taken a look at the pictures from the exams and decided to do a pelvic exam herself. Thank god I love her and feel totally comfortable with her. She said that I needed to be admitted to stay overnight and go in for surgery in the morning so they can take a look at the mass and my missing ovary. I was sad and Chad was really worried and all we could think about was how this would affect our baby plans. When she left, I looked at Chad and said “All they do is drug me and check my vagina… what kind of establishment is this?!” We laughed and then realized that it was time to call loved ones and also that Moe hadn’t been out since that morning so Chad ran home, picked up a bunch of my stuff and took care of Moe.
6:00PM: So after 10 hours, I was finally transported out of the yucky gothika ER and into my own room in the beautiful women’s center on the top floor of the hospital. It was so nice and comfortable and beautiful. I went from the Howard Johnsons to the Four Seasons in one elevator ride. Zach and Chad met me up there with flowers and goodies including my manly-sweatpants and piglet slippers. I made some calls to loved ones and after a visit from my doctor another round of IV drugs, I was getting woozy. There was no place for Chad to sleep and I thought it would be better for him to go home and home back early morning than be miserable and have to leave to walk moe in the morning. So he and Zach went home and I fell asleep for about 30 mins and the nurses kept coming in to check on my vitals and one even came in at 1:30AM to take my blood. jerk-face.
Friday 7:30AM: I was so relieved and happy when Chad came back that I had completely forgotten about my missing ovary. My parents showed up too around 8AM, Cheryl was in tears and my Dad had food poisoning from his dinner the night before so I think he was just trying not to throw up on me. My OBGYN came in to talk to the family and Cheryl grilled her for a few minutes and Chad asked if she had done this type of surgery before. The doctor assured him that she had a really great instruction manual and a great assistant…. every one laughed which eased the nervousness of the room and she told me I would be just fine. After the doctor left, the cleaning lady came in and there isn’t enough room on this blog to write about that experience. All I remember is that she lost 40 lbs in a month, was dating a younger man that looked older and that she didn’t like men with fat necks. It’s too hilarious to recount but she was so sweet and made us all hysterical.
11:00AM: They took me into the pre-op area where the manliest nurse worked with a buzz hair cut and a 1920′s nurse cap. I think she actually was a man. She wasn’t nice either and she kept yelling at the younger nurses. Anyways, I’m laying in this horrible place alone and I started melting down. Why the hell do they put you into a small room by yourself right before you go into a huge surgery?! Well, right when I start getting teary eyed, the nicest, prettiest, sweetest nurse in the entire world who was probably my age came to the side of the bed and told me it was going to be just fine and I just broke down and could hardly breath. They gave me some thing in my IV that made me chill out and I fell asleep for a while. My OBGYN woke me up and they took me into the surgery room she said she wanted to make sure I saw her so that there was someone in the room that I was familiar with and after that, all I remember is waking up in recovery with the oxygen tubes in my nose and the nurses commenting on how much they like my toe nail polish shade.
3:00PM: Once I got my wits about me, I asked if I had a blood transfusion and she said that I hadn’t which was relieving. I then asked if they took my ovary and when the recovery nurse said yes, I started crying again. I was a mess. I totally wanted them to take my ovary if they had to but there is just something about not having one anymore. I never even think about my ovaries but deep down, I’m sad that I lost one. Anyways, they gave me some crushed ice and after a while, brought me back up to the four seasons room where I saw my family and lost whatever composure I had left. Everyone was sobbing and Chad was holding my wedding rings so he put them on my fingers and ended up proposing again which made us all laugh. After calming down and processing the past 24 hours, they brought out the photos that the doctors took during the surgery. Turns out I had a 4.5″ tumor on my left ovary which had caused the ovary to turn and suffocate itself…it was larger than my uterus. The photos are gross and I’m still contemplating what to do with them exactly but they’re hidden for now. Chad joked that they took my “source of power” and that I probably wouldn’t run as fast or be as hot all the time (in temperature… not hottiness). That was pretty funny too. I’m thankful to be surrounded by such hilarious family. Seriously – they’re awesome.
Since then: They let me leave Saturday afternoon and I have been stuck on the couch or bed watching TV, reading Ani-Vegi-Miracle and doing crosswords. Chad has been wonderful, carrying me everywhere, washing my hair and even doing the dishes. Everyone’s generosity has been overwhelming too – our condo has exploded with flowers, chocolate covered fruit and get-well cards. I’m supposed to be out of work for three weeks but hopefully the doctor will let me go back after two, my appointment is next Friday.
*I’m rounding out week 4 and I am doing just fine. Thanks for all of the flowers, cards, chocolate covered candy and dvd box-sets. You all know who you are and truly made this experience a little bit brighter. I came back to work this week and have been doing well except for the fact that I am incredibly tired all of the time. Like exhausted. I haven’t been this tired since the all-nighters I pulled a couple of times in college… and I didn’t have a 8:30-5pm job back then. I have found this to be an excellent excuse as well, for example if I find myself lacking in any activity, I just chalk it up to “but they took my source of power… throw me a bone.” Anywho – I’m totally fine. I finished a scrapbook, a Kingsolver book and made a website with Chad (www.flightsnorthhills.com). Baby making may begin soon. Don’t mark your calendars but after these shenanigans we are ready to make it happen so keep your fingers and toes crossed (and say a little prayer or two.)
BTW – Presbyterian Women’s Center is the bomb dot com. Dr. Arronte is even better. She actually rocks my socks and I love her. She is super fabulous and if anyone is going to take your ovary…or deliver your baby… or do any medical-womanly things… make sure it’s her because she is the best.
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Tags: Dr. Arronte, no-neck men, ovarian cyst, ovary, presbyterian hospital, shenanigans, sources of power, Wendel's Rock
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